On Friday I lose it...not in anger. I am overwhelmed by everything. I think that inviting a friend over for Gavin will keep him occupied outside and allow me to catch my breath. Then these words on the other end of the line punch me in the stomach, "...Wyatt's not here right now, but he should be back from the party in about 30 minutes, why don't you call back then?" ....my heart drops as I realize that we have missed the church primary Easter party. You know...the party Gavin has been excited about since January when he joined the primary. The one that he has been driving me crazy about...the one that I even put on my calendar with a reminder...for Saturday. I am barely able to end the phone conversation as the water works start. In an extreme over reaction to the situation I begin sobbing uncontrollably. All the stress and failures of the week are represented in this one missed party. I feel like curling up in fetal position and giving up. My kids get really concerned. The twins swarm me, patting my face and looking confused, and quite honestly adding a certain amount of claustrophobia to my hysteria. Anne keeps eating old and age inappropriate food from under the high chairs(lucky Anne). And Gavin, sweet Gavin...
"Mommy! Don't be sad...Are you frus-ter-rated mommy?"
"Mommy, are you having a rough day? Are your feelings hurt?"
"Please don't be sad mommy!"
I try to calm down and stop crying, but waves of self loathing and despair keep pounding at me.
Finally, he comes to me and pats my shoulder, puts his warm, sweet little cheek against mine and says:
It was so unexpected, but exactly what I say to him when he is hysterical, that it brings me up short and makes me start laughing. This makes him giggle tentatively and repeat, "Breath mommy, breath!" which completely cracks me up and soon we are all laughing. It is a jab of perspective that gets me on my feet and allows me to reclaim my sanity...well the shreds of it.